Girls don't cry

I am a fiercely independent person. I loathe being told what to do or that I can't do something. My mother swears that my mantra as a child was "I can do it myself mother." I have always wanted to fix problems or be allowed to fall on my face without be told step by step what to do. This mentality of course does really well when you have a mother in law who seems to think that you need a step by step instruction on how to tie your shoe - snarky thing to say, I know.

As I grew older of course I learned how to take advice and then use it to fall on my face or to accept advice once I stood up from that face plant position. My biggest motivator was my father's consistent quiet reminder that I could do anything a boy could do and to not let a single person tell me otherwise. Last night was a true test of my conviction and 'can do' attitude.

I study martial arts, Okinowan Goju Ryu Karate to be specific. I've been practicing for over three years now and am quite close obtaining my blackbelt. I like this style because it works well with my shortness (I am 5'4") and my sensei has a good sense about seeing a student's strengths and weaknesses using them to the student's advantage.

Of course a physical sport like this is not without its injuries. I have been punched in the nose, kicked in the back of the head (several times), elbowed in the jaw (full force - thanks Chris!) and dropped to the ground without the use of my limbs to lessen the fall (I really love you Chris). I am okay with this stuff, I like to spar and am an aggressive, scrapper of a fighter - just think Jack Russell Terrier and that's me! I enjoy fighting people better than I as it helps you to improve (especially for not getting kicked in the back of the head). With these minor injuries of course comes one or two major ones. I tore a ligament in my foot about two years ago. This last November I had the torn ligament repaired. Yes, yes I know how come it took so long? That would be the military health care system. That and well the guys down range needed the surgery before me, they're just a little bit more important than I (And I don't mind). About mid February I started back to classes and to condition myself back up to where I was.

Well last night was absolute hell for me. We were testing and although I can do the requirements and execute them well, it kills me to do them repeatedly (6 times in a row is hard physical labor here folks). I am just not there yet, but I refuse to let on. I must have had a horrid look on my face because I was asked during testing if I needed to stop- of course I said no, "I'm fine." In the meantime my foot is on fire. It's burning, tingling in a bad way, strangely it feels wet when there's nothing to making it feel that way. Being a stubborn mule, I refused to stop and refused to cry - I kept going. I was feeling ill, like I wanted to hurl that's how much pain I was in.

I finished the testing and passed to the next kyu, but this whole situation kills me. Is this because I am still not where I need to be physically? Or, is this because the doctor screwed up during surgery? My foot is still a mess if you look at it. The scar is still red and swollen in places, where the sutures were "spitting" out (being rejected) there is a small mass of soft, smooshy something that I can't seem to massage out as scar tissue. According to the doc I don't need physical therapy even though now my foot hurts on the opposite side than the original place of pain. It doesn't hurt the way it did before the surgery but now it hurts a different way. I am sure that I won't be able to go off post because the surgery has been within the last year, but I really think I need second opinion about the mess I think he made.

At least I didn't cry while testing, hence the title.