Saturday, March 21, 2009

On Thursday I hit the breaking point of a culmination of a lot of things. Mentally, physically and spiritually I have had enough and am struggling. After a lousy day at work on my way to get Oz I had to pull over and cried uncontrollably for 20 minutes. I felt so sad, overwhelmed and without hope. Throw in a few dark thoughts and I basically scared the shit out of myself. I went home that night and promised myself that if I still felt this way the next morning I'd call someone.....I did and I did.

I called my non-biological sister. She's a sister by adaption not adoption but I've become a member of her family when hers were abusive shits and she formed her own family. I knew that if I exposed it all, said it all, without abridging or editing anything that she wold not freak out. I didn't need a state of panic I needed a rock.....A Christina if you saw the last episode of Grey's.

First, just talking outloud, even the dark stuff made a thousand pound weight feel more like 20 lbs. I've taken on too much this deployment and something has got to go. I'm working fulltime, my work is trying to suspend me for taking a stupid form someone marked out the word "homosexual" on with whiteout, I've got a full course load for grad school, the husband's deployed, I'm a single parent, my kid is a toddler, my FRG is not very active and I have no family around to lean on physically. My sister wondered how it took me 5 months into the deployment before I reached my limit.

We worked out some things like she's coming to visit in May, the MIL is coming in April and I am to ask my parents or my brother to come out in June. Either they can babysit or I get a sitter and at least one night while they are here I am to go and do something, anything that I want to do. I also need to evaluate my feelings once a week and if after a few weeks or a month if I still feel sad, hopeless or overwhelmed I am to get my arse to a doc and look at being seen for depression.

I'm also setting up a time line to resign from work. After I finish writing up my response to my proposed suspension and I get what ever it is I am railroaded into I am either finding a new job or resigning. Right now my income pays for home improvements and the last of grad school. I just bought a new fence and have one last semester of school to pay for. After those two things are paid off if I haven't found a new job I'm giving a single finger salute to work and resigning. Money won't be free flowing like it is now, but we can survive with just one income.

Unfortunately I may lose my mind since I enjoy working when I don't work in an office of asshats. I like the adult conversation that I get from working with customers and such. I also worry because Oz loves it at daycare. He loves the kids, his vocab is off the charts (minus mommy teaching him the f-bomb) and really enjoys his teacher. I'm hoping to find a job somewhere else so I don't have to quit the big picture just get out of the nuthouse.

Anyways, I feel like I can at least breath now. I have a plan of attack, a plan of what to do should these feelings not go away and am reaching out to my family and friends for support which they are happy to give. I can't wait until June which is pretty much my cutoff date for leaving the nuthouse. So there is a light at the end of tunnel, thank God for my sister.


Bette said...

Oh goodness. I'm so glad you made that call; sisters -- related or not -- are the best.

It sounds like you've got a well-thought-out plan, and I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

Kbear and Jman said...

The light at the end of the tunnel always make things bearable. Hang tough. But call out for help. Good call. :)

Mrs. Who said...

Holy crap, honey! You had every right to feel the way you did, AND you did the best thing in talking to someone. Here's to hoping the light is steadily getting brighter.

liberal army wife said...

YOu saw what was happening and asked for help. That's the best thing you could have done. Yeah, there are days when it just weighs more than Jupiter - and it helps to shift some of it. Try Military OneSource as well, they have counselors on call - they understand, they are trained for the problems we face during deployment.

And you know we are here too. you have my email - if you need anything, email, and I'll send my phone number and we'll talk, ok? You aren't alone. Ever. We are here, we understand and if we can help shift that load a little, we will.