Friday, August 03, 2007

Dear Anonymous...

First of all have some balls and leave your name. Nice of you to judge under the veil of anonymity; but, hey chicken shits come in all forms don’t they.

"I'm so sad for your baby. Imagine just coming into this world, it's got to be a confusing/scary thing. And then left to cry for 20 minutes until you finally realize that no comfort is coming and you just give up. I think a lot of your problems reveal themselves in your attitude. You've just received the greatest blessing you will ever get in your life and yet you "joke" about wanting to hire a total stranger to raise your child. Yeah, you need a major attitude adjustment."

Second of all, we didn’t leave him in the sense of totally walking away, he was within 5 feet of us, we stroked his arms, his head, talked to him etc – but we did NOT allow him to fall asleep on us. And yes I joked about a nanny; I have a sense of humor something you apparently don’t.

Third, my attitude was one that had 3 hours of sleep in 4 days after having major surgery. You have your belly cut open, no sleep, swollen feet that you can’t walk on, refuse to take the pain killers they gave you because they don’t go with breastfeeding and you don’t want to poison your child and tell me exactly how peachy you’d feel.

Since I don’t know you and obviously you have no fucking clue who I am, I vent when I write. All the negative I feel I write out so I can take care of business. In fact journaling is considered a very healthy way to deal and work with the stressors of life. You might want to read my about me section and learn a little more about me before judging off of one post.

I've had children. We're retired Army and sometimes I was alone w/kids in a foreign country at a new duty station so I know overwhelmed. Our daughter and her husband are army and she just had a baby on 7/30/07. I cannot imagine that she would let her newborn cry for 20 minutes. Just reading your post made me think of the orphanages in Russia where babies are left to cry until eventually they don't bother anymore and just get that vacant look. You're supposed to be the adult. Whatever pain you're going thru you will have to suck up,be a mom, and nurture your child. You've been given an incredible opportunity to mold a future adult - what a blessing! You have a real cutie! I came to read your blog thru the link at Itsy Bitsy Me. Check out the blog Keeping the Faith. She just had a baby, too. The difference between her attitude and your attitude is light years apart. I think it's a matter of perspective. Best Wishes.

Again another person who judges under anonymity, very nice and how Christian of you too. Yes that’s it, I am no better than a Russian orphanage. Lord give me a break people, I was tired, cranky, in pain, had my guts cut open, won’t take anything but Tylenol so I don’t poison my breast milk, but I don’t give two shits about my child. Okay whatever. Like I said it’s real easy to judge someone while hiding behind the title of anonymous.

I’m not worried though, my boy is just fine. We needed to start a rhythm & we have – we just had to figure it out. No book can teach you how to be the perfect parents you two claim to be and some how I doubt you were as Jesus like as you claim. And no one is perfect over night either, but thanks for not allowing me even one night of feeling overwhelmed, not to mention the craziness that ensues with the changing hormones of not being pregnant anymore.

As I type, my son is lying pressed up against my thigh, content, sleeping and practicing his smiles in his sleep. In the past 4 days since the night you seem so fond to judge me on, he has continued to up his food requirements eating more and more and fallen more into a regular sleep/feed/wake/sleep pattern. A child who wasn't thriving and is losing the will to live wouldn't be eating more he'd be that vacant, listless vessel you speak of in Russian orphanages.

Oz isn't listless in fact he’s particularly found of the Very Hungry Caterpillar, has ticklish feet, hates his arms to be covered up, manages to kick his socks off every chance he gets and like Mozart over Chopin.

But hey, my attitude sucks and I am no better than a Russian orphanage. Please take your judgement and stuff it. I am allowed to have a bad day and write about it. Its pretty sad too that I have to defend myself over one night, over one bad day. But apparently in your Jesus like states you never had any of those either.

16 comments:

Aaron said...

I'll admit, I worried when I read the parts about letting Oz cry. It really is too soon to assume that there's nothing wrong when Oz is upset.

During Cole's first three months he never cried without a reason. Usually it was one of four things: diaper, food, sleep, or attention. When we tried them all and got no results, I often found that he needed to have one of them done again.

Every child is different, of course, and Cole is extremely easy-going. I trust that you're learning Oz's cues, even if you don't realize it yet.

Hang in there! The first couple of weeks were rough for us, too. How are you and Oz handling the breast feeding? That was an experience we could've done without, I'll tell you.

Tracy said...

The first few weeks are rough for any new parent. And even if the child is your second~because that child is different than your first.

Don't let anyone get you down. We let our kids sleep on us in the beginning b/c I was of the mind of "I need sleep and if this is how I can get it,I'm doing it." but I was laying down also. However, my sister said "no way, this kid is learning to sleep on his own."

So, who's right? Who's the better parent?

Answer: both of us. I didn't mind sleeping with a kid on me and so I did that. She didn't want it, so she did what she had to to avoid it. Neither is right, neither is wrong.

You are doing what you need to for YOUR family. You love your son and you care for him. Noone can tell you that what you do is wrong.

Okay, I better climb down off my soapbox now! ;o)

Household6 said...

Aaron, every book I have read, what I think 10 of them have said sometimes you do just let them cry and gave 15 minutes as a time limit. We had checked him over - diapers, burped him, and he had just ate a full meal. He was right in our face, we could see him, we touched him, coo'ed him etc so he was getting attention too. Its not like we left him in the garage on the dryer or something.

I just think it's really high and mighty of a person to judge, without knowing my blog, me, how I write etc and compare me and my situation to a Russian orphanage.

But whatever, they will get over it and honestly can bite me. We are getting his cues down and figuring out a rythm. It doesn't happen overnight and hellsbells letting a child cry one frickin' time because nothing we did would console him doesn't require an attitude adjustment or a Russian orphanage comparision.

He who is free from sin shall cast the first stone - and those two aren't it.

Linda said...

HH6...I followed the same as you...we let our kids cry. And it worked. Like I said in your other post - I am here for you. I've been there (2 c-sections, both emergency, and the 2nd one was scary, ruptured uterus and no heartbeat and all). And I STILL let my son cry it out a bit. And he did okay. He's a robust, outgoing, energetic, powerful 3 year old.

People who are NOT living your life can NOT comment. "When you don't know what happens behind closed doors, don't go knocking; you might not like what you see, because it might be exactly what you've been told."

((((((( hugs to you )))))

SHAME on Anonymous....coward.

Anonymous said...

Hi - I hope you didnt think I was judging before, I was just trying to offer advice (though I know you didnt ask for any since you dont even know me).

My perspective, was just that I found the first few weeks so hard, so I was trying to give some tips that worked for us. I have been in your shoes. I bfed my first & couldnt w/my second, so bottle fed her (that was the child who I had the c section). And I think anyone that elects a csection must be nuts b/c it was the most painful thing I have ever been thru. I also had a version - I was going to comment when you had yours, but I thought You might think I was crazy since you dont know me, but here I am typing a novel. My version didnt work either, though I had one at 40 weeks. (I found out she was breech at 39). Hence the csec.

Anyway, sorry (again) for the long note. I did put my email in the other comment, so you dont think I am a complete weirdo. Hang in there.

Keri

Household6 said...

Keri - Hon' you signed your name and your advice wasn't judgemental. Even Aaron's wasn't judgemental but he was concerned. He's also read my blog and we have emailed back and forth since his wife first became pregnant and I was still having infertility issues. That's okay, being concerned or not agreeing is okay.

The other is just a crock of crap.

Aaron said...

Kelly and I are always at odds over how much attention Cole needs.

Personally, I think he needs to become accustomed to the level I'm able to give him. She gets on my case all the time for leaving him alone too long, or letting him cry.

Like you, I'm right there. I've seen him work things out on his own, so I know I'm not being neglectful or anything.

FYI: we let him sleep in the room with us, in a bassonet, for the first three months. Now, he gets to lay with us in the morning. He loves to lay in bed and talk to us for an hour or so, usually at 7am. My little alarm clock...

It's all a matter of personal preference, I think. You're going to be a fine parent. I'm sure of it.

Gail A. said...

You're doing a great job hh6. There are so many different parenting styles & everyone has their own opinions.

My only advice: ENJOY him & don't stress over the little things. Tommorrow he'll be 22 (my oldest is 22 & I swear I was just pregnant with her) & you'll be wondering where time went. Take care....Hugs to you & Daddy & Oz.

K and J said...

HH6.

WOMAN. Do your thing. Even tho my kid now sleeps with me, I did the cry it out thing too. Much harder to do when G & G wanted to sweep in and "save" him from whatever was making him cry. You are a strong enough woman to not let folks who do not know you, affect you. Remember, the sleep will come in a year or two, then you won't be a walking zombie! :)

Heidi said...

Holy Crap! Don't know what to say but keep blogging. If only I would write about what makes me "Mother of the Year" . . . I would be at the bottom. You will do what is best for you and Oz so continue on . . . glad you are updating because I have missed you!

MQ said...

HH6 - you are obviously a loving and caring parent. Your child will not fall into a vacant, listless life because you let him cry for 15 minutes. They do say babies cry for a reason that early in life, so the trick is to figure out what that reason is, and it takes some time for a first-time parent to get to know her baby. We all have had our days that, like Heidi said, would not earn us "mother of the year" (I forgot my son at church one time ok?) :) and sometimes you WILL make mistakes, but the point is we are all doing our best. And it will go by faster than you can ever imagine :) My "baby" just turned nine :(((

Butterfly Wife said...

And here's another hug.

Green said...

"Its not like we left him in the garage on the dryer or something."
OH that's a great line! Thanks for making me laugh.
Don't let the trolls get you down; they're cowards anyway.

Mama Luxe said...

Hi! You know I enjoy reading you...and you know I also have gotten pissed off when idiots judge me.

We all have rough days, you know? And letting a baby cry is better than reacting out of exhaustion and frustration. And you'll make your own parenting decisions.

Since you put this out there, though, I would say this. Even Ferber has backed off his methods. Even those that advocate letting a baby cry a little say that that is more like when the baby is a few months' old...not so young.

Also, there is research contradicting the advice to let cry even once the baby is a few months' and that is the research that rings truer to me. I don't want to lecture, so I won't go into it, but let me know if you want more info.

Also, I recommend checking out:

Weissbluth for real researched-based info on baby sleep (and he actually does discuss favorably some "let cry" methods once aby is a little older...but even though I disagree with some of his conclusions, his info is EXTREMELY researched-based and helpful)

Pantley for a Mom's advice on how to get baby to sleep with little or no crying (if you are interested)

Happiest Baby on the Block--fairly obvious stuff, but helpful to have it all in one place if you are dealing with colic

Dr. Sears in general...though of course you always have to take some of the more dire "consequences" with a grain of salt and make your own decisions.

I know you will find your way in a way that is comfortable for YOU...I just personally would be concerned with allowing 15 min of crying so young.

Household6 said...

No worries ML, its all in the presentation of the information.

We haven't had a crying bout like that since. Of course we learned a few things like burping better, feeding in more of a sitting up position, changing diapers before and sometimes even after feeding, bleeding the air out of the bottle before feeding him and making sure the bottle is warm enough.

So it just took a little bit to figure out a routine and what we weren't doing right or could have done better.

Mama Luxe said...

In my (limited) experience--as soon as you think you figure out a routine...they change it up on you. It is an adventure!

BTW--I just realized I recommended the same books again to you. Heh. Sorry about that!