Last night while doing a dream feed to help Oz sleep through the night (its working thank heavens), I got that feeling. You know the one where you just are so happy that you could burst, that your your heart is so big that it could tear through your chest. I just love these night feeds because when I place him over my shoulder to burp him, I feel these little hands grab my neckline and the sleeve of my shirt. He nestles his little head on my shoulder until he finds his comfy spot and proceeds to fall back to sleep. Him snuggling with me like that just makes me cry every frickin' time. And although I know its crappy sleep for him I have a hard time putting him down in his crib and want to just fall alseep in the glider snuggling with him.
So this intense emotion while I was rocking him a bit got me to thinking, why did I only start to get these intense feelings a few months ago (About the 3 month mark)? Why is it that some ladies I know had that intense feeling within days of having her son yet with me it took a few months? I love my son and am so happy he's here, but those "I just look at him and cry" feelings didn't surface until a couple of months after his birth. I wonder though if there is truth in the statement that some women don't bond as quickly with their child if they've had a c-section. Some state its that a vaginal birth aids in the release of certain chemicals in the brain that the section mom isnt privy to.
I mean I know I am a total bear when I don't get enough sleep and the first 6 weeks while recovering from the section proved that I am an ugly person when sleep deprived. If we are blessed with a second child, I am going to beg for help those first 6 weeks so I don't ever get that ugly again. So could the lack of a vaginal birth and serious sleep depervation have caused a slower bond? Or make it take longer for me to gain that sense of never wanting to let my little guy go?
What ever the case may be I am damn glad he is my son and wouldn't trade him for the world. But I do feel a little guilty that those super intense feelings took longer to surface than good old fashioned love for my son. Not too guilty mind you because I just could snuggle like that more than I worry about how long it took me to get there in the first place.