Thursday, March 06, 2008

That feeling

Last night while doing a dream feed to help Oz sleep through the night (its working thank heavens), I got that feeling. You know the one where you just are so happy that you could burst, that your your heart is so big that it could tear through your chest. I just love these night feeds because when I place him over my shoulder to burp him, I feel these little hands grab my neckline and the sleeve of my shirt. He nestles his little head on my shoulder until he finds his comfy spot and proceeds to fall back to sleep. Him snuggling with me like that just makes me cry every frickin' time. And although I know its crappy sleep for him I have a hard time putting him down in his crib and want to just fall alseep in the glider snuggling with him.

So this intense emotion while I was rocking him a bit got me to thinking, why did I only start to get these intense feelings a few months ago (About the 3 month mark)? Why is it that some ladies I know had that intense feeling within days of having her son yet with me it took a few months? I love my son and am so happy he's here, but those "I just look at him and cry" feelings didn't surface until a couple of months after his birth. I wonder though if there is truth in the statement that some women don't bond as quickly with their child if they've had a c-section. Some state its that a vaginal birth aids in the release of certain chemicals in the brain that the section mom isnt privy to.

I mean I know I am a total bear when I don't get enough sleep and the first 6 weeks while recovering from the section proved that I am an ugly person when sleep deprived. If we are blessed with a second child, I am going to beg for help those first 6 weeks so I don't ever get that ugly again. So could the lack of a vaginal birth and serious sleep depervation have caused a slower bond? Or make it take longer for me to gain that sense of never wanting to let my little guy go?

What ever the case may be I am damn glad he is my son and wouldn't trade him for the world. But I do feel a little guilty that those super intense feelings took longer to surface than good old fashioned love for my son. Not too guilty mind you because I just could snuggle like that more than I worry about how long it took me to get there in the first place.

4 comments:

Mark said...

Congratulations, and If it makes you feel better my spouse said that she didn't start to get the heart melting feelings until 3-4 months so you're not alone. We love your blog by the way and laugh at how close it hit's to home sometimes. Also, she (the spouse) said to tell you that you've got another male reader now.

Aaron said...

I wouldn't read too much into it. I think your point about stress is probably right on.

Now he's starting to be a little man. It's so awesome when they start acting like big people!

Welcome to the club, Mark.

K and J said...

It took me a long time to "bond" with Jman. Several people told me they could tell when it happened. Before that he was just there. And I like you love him to pieces now and the mama bear in me comes out whenever anyone hurts him.

Homefront Six said...

I don't know that the C-section vs. vaginal birth is much of an issue. I had 2 vaginal deliveries and found - both times - that the intense feelings didn't kick in for several weeks with DD and a few months with DS. In retrospect, I had post-partum issues with both (more with DS because he was so horribly colicky and therefore left me horribly sleep-deprived) and might have fared better had I recognized it all right off the bat and asked for help.

Hindsight is 20/20. Should we ever have another child (not planning on it), that will definitely be something I will discuss with my doc.

I think, as mothers, we are inclined to feel guilt anytime we feel like we are not doing a superior job. I don't think it's warranted very often though. Nor do I think it's warranted here.


He's adorable - love the pictures of him above!